HOGWARTS: A Musical Vaudeville
by Princess Licorice
Summary: WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO SN...er MAMA IS NOW UP A weird crossover of the Harry Potter series and Chicago the musical.
1. Authoress' NotesDisclaimer please read!

Authoress' Notes/ Disclaimer

            First thing is first.  I've had this idea for quite awhile now, but it was helped along by another HP/Chicago crossover fic on FF.net, HP the CrapFastic Chicago musical! Hogs style! .  I'd like to say that I stole nothing from that fic, I was simply inspired by it, and would urge all of my readers to search under Harry Potter for Chicago to find this fic, and give it a good read, because it deserves it, and giving it more reviews means that the author will have a good reason to update (yay!).  My fic differs from theirs in the way that it is presented, and it's a bit more…er…insane.  All my fics are insane.

            Secondly, I don't own Harry Potter.  J.K. Rowling does, along with a few publishing and production companies.  I am receiving nothing for writing this fic except personal satisfaction.  This fic may contain spoilers for all 4 books.

            Thirdly, I don't own Chicago, the city, the musical, or the movie.  The music was by John Kander, and the lyrics were by Fred Ebb.  I just wanted to clarify this because I will be tweaking the lines and the lyrics here and there to suit my humor needs.  Most tweakings are only here and there, but I do plan on changing the lyrics to an entire song (When You're Good to Mama), just to warn you.

            Fourthly, this fic is based more on Chicago the musical, rather than the movie.  This is because I have more familiarity with the musical, because my school performed it this year (I was Mary Sunshine).  Some songs that weren't in the movie will appear, including Mary Sunshine's song (yay!) but possibly not all songs in the musical because my school skipped at least two numbers due to time constraints.  Don't kill me if I'm not perfect!

Last and not least, expect anything!

If I forgot anything, I'll put it in later.

-Princess Licorice


	2. ALL THAT JAZZ

**1: ALL THAT JAZZ**

SCENE: A dark stage.

(A Master of Ceremonies, Ludo Bagman, swaggers onto the stage and takes his place in the center)

**Ludo:** (points a wand at his throat) Sonorus! (his voice is now magically magnified)  Welcome, wizards and witches.  You are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, cheating, treachery…magic, charms, curses, potions, Quidditch, true love, miracles, hunky Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers…(grumbling from audience)  Right!  Right!  All those things we all hold near and dear to our hearts.  Thank You.  (bows and swaggers offstage)

(Draco Malfoy struts onstage dressed in his usual Slytherin robes.  He takes center stage as the piano starts to play and he tries to give the audience a sexy sort of glare, but can't quite pull it off because he's laughing too hard)

**Malfoy:** (sung) COME ON BABE, WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN?  AND ALL THAT JAZZ.  I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES, AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN (makes a motion like he's putting deodorant on his knees and then rolling some pantyhose down, all the while with a pained and embarrassed expression on his face) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  START THE CAR, I KNOW A WHOOPEE SPOT, WHERE THE GIN IS COLD, BUT THE PIANA'S HOT! (tries to shake his non-existent boobs in a sexy fashion, scowling, and fails) IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL, AND ALL (he motions to his right, where a light comes up on two long tables, where Slytherin and Ravenclaw students are seated) THAT (he motions to his left, and the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables light up) JAZZ!

(During a brief musical interlude, the students all stand and take off their robes to reveal themselves to be clothed in various tight, black outfits.  As they begin to walk forward, Draco peels off his robes, self-confident at last, revealing his black tank top and hotpants. (woohoo!)  He motions two Slytherin girls forward and they take up positions on both his sides.  They fawn over him.)

**Malfoy:** (takes one girl on his arm, she simpers) SLICK YOUR HAIR AND WEAR YOUR BUCKLE SHOES (grins at the girl while other one pouts) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  (he pushes the first girl away and takes the other one on his arm.  She giggles at girl one, who glares at Draco and walks off) I HEAR THAT FATHER DIP IS GONNA BLOW THE BLUES (dips the girl slowly) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  ( He drops the girl in mid dip, grinning evilly. She gets up and stomps angrily off.  Another girl runs up to take her place)  HOLD ON HUN, WE'RE GONNA BUNNY HUG  (He hugs the third girl from behind and rocks her back and forth to the beat of the song) I BOUGHT SOME ASPIRIN DOWN AT UNITED DRUG (The girl looks confused.  She's never heard of aspirin or United Drug, just potions and apothecaries.)  IN CASE YOU SHAKE APART, AND WANT A BRAND NEW START TO DO (spins girl one way) THAT (spins her the other way)

**All Students:** JAZZ!

(Malfoy lets go of the girl and she spins offstage.  The students move up close behind Draco, who seems to be enjoying the attention)

**Random Gryffindor Kid:** Skidoo!

**Malfoy:** AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

**Random Ravenclaw:** Hotcha!

**Random Hufflepuff:** Whoopee!

**Malfoy:** AND ALL THAT JAZZ

**All Students:** (move downstage along with Malfoy) Ha!  Ha!  Ha!

**Malfoy:** IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL, AND ALL (students stomp left legs) THAT (students stomp right legs) JAZZ!

(The scene briefly switches to the entrance of Gryffindor Tower, as Harry Potter stands dumbly in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, wracking his brains to remember the password.  He is either under the Imperius Curse, or drunk.  He clutches an old diary under his arm, and off to his side stands the translucent figure of Tom Riddle.)

**Tom:** (as eyes dart around furtively) Listen, uh, your dorm mates aren't home, are they?

(Harry shakes his head 'no', then twists his mouth in thought and scratches his head at the portrait.  The scene switches back to Malfoy, who stands with his arms crossed, looking smug.)

**Malfoy:** No, his dorm mates are not at home. (all students laugh as he begins to sing again) FIND A FLASK.  WE'RE PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE (pulls a potion vial out of a pocket and waves it tauntingly at the audience)  AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  RIGHT UP HERE IS WHERE I STORE THE JUICE (tosses vial into the audience) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  (other students surround him and lift him up) COME ON BABE, WE'RE GONNA BRUSH THE SKY.  I BETCHA CHARLIE WEASLY NEVER FLEW SO HIGH.  CAUSE IN THE STRATOSPHERE HOW COULD HE LEND AND EAR TO ALL (students place him down) THAT  (students back up) JAZZ!

**All Students:** (waving arms and stomping)  OH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE BISHOUNEN SHIMMY SHAKE!

**Malfoy:** AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

**Students:** OH, HE'S GONNA SHIMMY TILL HIS GARTERS BREAK!

**Malfoy:** (gets a WTF look on his face) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!?

**Students:**  SHOW HIM WHERE TO PARK HIS GIRDLE (Malfoy turns slightly green) OH, HIS MOTHER'S BLOOD'D CURDLE IF SHE'D HEAR HER BABY'S QUEER FOR…

**Malfoy:** (majorly weirded out) ALL THAT JAZZ!

(Malfoy begins some very sexy dancing.  The students look like they want to join in, but decide to beat up on students of other Houses in lieu of dancing, while proceeding to re-sing the "shimmy shake" chorus behind Malfoy's words.)

**Malfoy:**  COME ON BABE, WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN?  AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

**Students:** (pause in free-for-all)  AND ALL THAT JAZZ!  (resume fighting)

**Malfoy:** I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN.  AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

**Students:** (another pause) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! (fighting resumes)

**Malfoy:** START THE CAR, I KNOW A WHOOPEE SPOT WHERE THE GIN IS COLD BUT THE PIANA'S HOT!  IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL AND ALL (Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs freeze) THAT (Gryffindors and Slytherins freeze) JAZZ!

(The scene once again switches to the Gryffindor Tower, this time in the boys' dormitory.  Harry is seated forlornly on his bed, clutching at the diary, whilst Tom Riddle brandishes Harry's own wand at Harry menacingly.)

**Harry:** (angrily) So that's final, huh Tom?

**Tom:** (grinning wickedly)  'Fraid so, Potter.

**Harry:** (slowly reaching into his pocket) Oh, Tom…

**Students:** (calling mockingly)  Oh, Tom…

**Tom:** (looking suspicious) Yeah?

**Harry:** (yanks a basilisk fang out of his pocket and holds it over the diary)  Nobody tries to kill me!  (he stabs the diary)

**Tom:** (falls to the floor, starting the disintegrate)  Potter…

**Harry:** (pissed and desperate)  Don't you "Potter" me!  (stabs the diary again, until Tom completely vanishes, destroyed.  Harry drops the diary on the floor and stares at it for a few moments as ink runs all over the carpeting.  Then reality dawns on him.)  Ooooh!  IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEEEEE! (he runs off)

(Scene switches back to Malfoy, who dances, while students proceed to beat each other to crap again.)

**Malfoy:** (belting)  NO, AIN'T GOT NO WIFE BUT, OH, I LOVE MY LIFE AND AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL 

THAAAAAAAAAT 

JAAAAAAAAAAZ! 

(holds his hands up high and finally, all the others stop roughhousing and join him)

**All:** THAT JAZZ!

(They bow their heads.  The lights go down.)

End of Part 1

Next time: Funny Honey

Read, Review, and Enjoy!  G'night folks!


	3. FUNNY HONEY

**2: FUNNY HONEY**

Author's Notes: In the words of Velma Kelly, "Okay, the first part's shit.  But the second part is really nifty."  Or not.  I suppose I should've warned people that this fic will contain bashing and OOC behavior for any and every character.  To the point of being disturbing.  But now I have.

And at least I have one fan!  :-P  And on that note…

Scene: The boys' dormitory of the Gryffindor Tower, three hours later.

(Ginny Weasley is seated on Harry's bed, nervously wringing her hands.  Professor McGonagall stands sternly over her and is quickly scribbling on a piece of parchment with a quill.  The dead diary lies between them on the floor in a pool of ink.  Harry stares out of the nearby window as though in a daze, and doesn't seem to be hearing what is going on behind him.)

**Ginny:** So I…took the basilisk fang and…I stabbed the diary.

**McGonagall:** (as she writes, peering over her spectacles) I see, Miss Weasley.  And Mr. Potter was in no way involved?

**Ginny:** (sweatdropping) That's right, Professor.  He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

**McGonagall:** (shakes head) He frequently is.  (finishes writing)  You swear this to be the truth?

**Ginny:** (gulps) Freely and gladly.

**McGonagall:** (sternly) Well, aren't you the cheerful little delinquent?

**Ginny:** (does a double take) D-delinquent?  B-but Professor I…

**McGonagall:** (interrupting) Are in possession of a cursed magical object that could have caused great harm to someone, possibly Potter….

**Ginny:** But I destroyed it!  (hopeful) Don't people get rewarded for destroying dangerous magical objects?

**McGonagall:**  (stern again) Not in this case Miss Weasley.  Besides (gestures to the floor) we'll never get that ink stain out of the carpet.  Here.  (hands Ginny the parchment)  It's a letter I wrote to your parents describing this…embarrassing debacle.  You shall sign it, and then I'm afraid you will have detention.

**Ginny:** (takes McGonagall's quill and begins to sign, tears forming in her eyes) Freely and gladly, Professor, freely and gladly…

(Harry finally turns around, gives Ginny a sympathetic look, and then walks out of the scene, up to a spotlighted grand piano.  He hoists himself up onto it, and sighs.  Occasionally, he pulls out a flask and drinks from it, a la Mad Eye Moody.  The dormitory scene goes on separately behind him.)

**Bagman:** (struts out) For his first number, Mr. Harry Potter would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to his dear girlfriend, Ginny. (walks off)

(music starts, Harry sings)

**Harry:** SOMETIMES I'M RIGHT, SOMETIMES I'M WRONG (gestures to bloody stain on the floor)

BUT SHE DOESN'T CARE, SHE'LL STRING ALONG (gives Ginny a sappy look)

SHE LOVES ME SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!

(he takes a long drink from his flask, and hiccups)

SOMETIMES I'M DOWN (head flops onto his chest) SOMETIMES I'M UP (raises his head to reveal manic look on his face)

BUT SHE FOLLOWS 'ROUND LIKE SOME DROPPY-EYED PUP (lolls his tongue out)

SHE LOVES ME SO (rocks back on piano) THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!

(he suddenly jumps up and throws his flask out into the darkness.  A loud crash, and a screaming cat is heard)

SHE AIN'T NO SHIEK, THAT'S NO GREAT PHYSIQUE (points harshly at Ginny)

LORD KNOWS SHE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS (the authoress runs by holding a large sign saying, "Don't flame me, Ginny fans!")

BUT LOOK AT THAT SOUL (he gets a sappy, adoring look on his face a he gestures to Ginny)

I TELL YA, THAT WHOLE IS A WHOLE LOT GREATER THAN THE SUM OF HER PARTS (winks at unseen audience)

AND IF YOU KNEW HER LIKE ME

I KNOW YOU'D AGREE

(the flask suddenly comes flying back at Harry, accompanied by several cat cusses, and bonks him on the head.  He falls back down into a sitting position on the piano, looking dazed)

WHAT IF THE WORLD SLANDERED MY NAME? *hic*

WHY, SHE'D BE RIGHT THERE, TAKING THE BLAME (sways dangerously)

SHE LOVES ME SO, AND IT ALL SUITS ME FINE! (his eyes slowly begin to cross)

THAT FUNNY, SUNNY, HONEY GINNY OF MINE! (he sways backward and falls headfirst off the piano into the darkness. A cat screams again.)

(Back in the dormitory scene, Ginny is looking pleadingly at the professor as she hands her back the signed parchment.)

**Ginny: **A girl has got a right to protect her loved one's right?

**McGonagall:** (looks at her sharply) Of course….

**Ginny:** (with a sudden newfound vigor) Well, I came back from dinner, and I'd thought I'd check on Harry…because he came back before everyone else…said he was feeling sick…and when I came into his room I saw the ghost of that diary floating above his bed.

**McGonagall: **(impatient) Yes…

**Ginny: **(with a sweet smile) With Harry there sleeping like an angel….an angel!

**Harry: **(as he throws an arm over the piano to pull himself back up) SHE LOVES ME *hic* SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!

**Ginny: **I mean, suppose…just suppose…..he had been (wince) violated, or something.  (looks nervously at Professor)  You know, violated?

**McGonagall: **(sharply) I know what you mean.

**Ginny:**…or something.  Think of how terrible that would've been.  It's a good thing that I came to check on him, I'm telling ya that!  (notices anxiously that McGonagall isn't paying attention, but stooping over the diary on the floor.) I said I'm telling ya that!

**Harry: **(precariously throws a leg over the piano and hoists himself up) SHE LOVES ME SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!

**McGonagall: **(looking in the diary's inside cover) Tom Marvolo Riddle.

(Harry suddenly jerks his head in their direction and stares intently at McGonagall.)

**Ginny:** (shocked) Tom Riddle? (standing up angrily and shouting)  How could it be him?  I threw that diary into a toilet ages ago!  It was where….(suddenly, it dawns on her) where Harry was brewing that potion….

**Harry: **(snarling) LORD KNOWS SHE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS!

**Ginny: **He lied to me!

**McGonagall: **You mean this mess was already here when you arrived?

**Ginny: **(lividly gesticulating) He was wiping up the ink with a sheet, and he was telling me this cock and bull story about a possessed book, and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off!  (Harry jumps up from his position on the piano and glares daggers at Ginny) Possessed, huh!  

**Harry: ** NOW SHE'S SHOT OFF HER TRAP (stamps foot) I CAN'T _STAND THAT SAP! _

**Ginny: **(clenching fists and trembling) And I believed him!  That cheap little bastard!  So he was playing with dark magic, huh?

**Harry: **LOOK AT HER GO, RATTIN' ON ME (gestures angrily to Ginny)

WITH JUST ONE MORE BRAIN WHAT A HALF-WIT SHE'D BE!

**Ginny: **Well, then, he can go to Azkaban for all I care!  I'm working my rear off at school every freakin' day and he's up here munching on Chocolate Frogs and hexing things!

**Harry: **IF THEY STRING ME UP (resentfully shouts at Ginny) WELL I'LL KNOW WHO BOUGHT THE TWINE!

**Ginny: **This time he's pushed me too far! (punches the bedpost) That little git!

**Harry: **THAT SCUMMY (stomps) CRUMMY (stomps) DUMMY (grabs head and pulls on hair) GINNY OF MINE!

**Ginny: **Boy, what a sap I was!

(Harry launches himself off of the piano and jumps back into the dorm scene, ignoring the Professor and stomping right up to Ginny.  He gets angrily in her face.)

**Harry:** (shouting) You double-crosser!  You big blabber mouth!  You said you'd stick!  (suddenly looking sad) You promised you'd stick…I'm your boyfriend!  How could you do this to me?

**Ginny: **(coldly) You've been stringin' me, Harry.  You told me that was just some random dark object, and all the while you were up here conspiring with Tom Riddle!

**Harry: **You…(so mad he can't find words)…you…are…a disloyal girlfriend! (Ginny scoffs as he turns on McGonagall defiantly)  I did it!  Put that down in your records!

**Ginny: **That's right, Professor.  He did it.  I had nothing to do with it.  (crosses arms and humphs at Harry)

**McGonagall: **(starts scribbling on parchment again) And now we get to the real story…

**Harry: **And you want to know why?  He was tryin' to steal my life energy for himself!  Thought he'd walk out on me! (snort) The louse!

**McGonagall: **That was disgraceful of you Potter.  Playing around with dark magic and then blaming Miss Weasley for it when it gets you in a mess.  Utterly disgraceful!  (purses lips)  They're liable to expel you for this infraction.

**Harry: **(does double take and gulps) E-expel me?

**McGonagall: **(stuffs parchment into her robes) Your ego doesn't seem so over-inflated now, does it Potter?

**Harry: **(offended) Ginny, did you hear what she said? (Ginny sticks her tongue out at him and walks stately out of the dorm) Son of a witch!

(McGonagall takes Harry's arm and begins to lead the struggling boy out of the dorm.  Some house elves enter and begin to clean up the mess on the floor at the lights dim and wink out.)

End of Part II

Be happy Ginny fans, I let her get back at Harry for being such a meanie.

Many apologies to Harry/Ginny shippers.  

Next Part:

The Cell Block Tango

Better start practicing your lines!

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipshitz…


	4. THE CELL BLOCK TANGO

**3: CELL BLOCK TANGO**

Author's Notes: Thanks to all those who reviewed!  Now that I've graduated, I no longer have an excuse to procrastinate.  Except for College!  GYAH!  I'd like to make a few shout outs before I begin.

Wonk:  Oh yeah!  You go!  We should start a Harry Potter/Chicago fan club or something! God knows there are enough people who'd love to join!

Janalyn: Hope I spelled your name right.  Another Wesley kid on ffnet.  Scary, I'm tellin' ya!  I got your review, even though it's not showing up.  And just so you know, I've visited your work, and I'm quite impressed.  You've got yourself a new fan!  Your opinions on presenting certain male Harry Potter characters wrapped up in bows to certain female HP characters appeals to me somehow….

And to all those who are upset because they wanted to do a fic similar to this, don't fret.  Go right ahead!  There are already several out there, and as long as you're original and don't plagiarize you should feel free.

Ah yes, this Chapter is going to be disturbing again.  And I was a bit liberal with the lyrics.  _And_ there is going to be one character from the Order of the Phoenix in this Chapter, but there will be no actual spoilers from that book. Thought I'd warn you!  And on that note…..

Scene: the Hogwarts Dungeons

(Draco and five other people are seated in a row of chairs, situated just behind bars.  The scene is lit with an eerie red light, and all six people are silhouetted.  Bagman swaggers out.)

**Bagman:  **And now, the six jolly juvenile delinquents of the Hogwarts Detention Dungeons in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango.  (he walks importantly off as low percussion cues in)

**First kid: **POP

**Second kid: **SIX

**Third…uh…person: **SQUISH

**Fourth kid: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Sixth kid: **LIPSCHITZ

(the rhythm becomes faster)

**First kid: **POP

**Second kid: **SIX

**Third person: **SQUISH

**Fourth kid: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Sixth kid: **LIPSCHITZ

(the rhythm becomes even faster as the tango music cues up)

**First kid: **POP

**Second kid: **SIX

**Third person: **SQUISH

**Fourth kid: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Sixth kid: **LIPSCHITZ

**First kid: **POP

**Second kid: **SIX

**Third person: **SQUISH

**Fourth kid: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Sixth kid: **LIPSCHITZ

(All six kids stand up and begin banging the legs of their chairs on the ground to keep the beat)

**All: **HE HAD IT COMING!  HE HAD IT COMING!  HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME!

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT…

**Draco: **I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!

**First kid: **POP

**Second kid: **SIX

**Third person: **SQUISH

**Fourth kid: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Sixth kid: **LIPSCHITZ

(music cues under, the first kid grabs his chair and rolls it through an opening in the bars and sits on it leisurely.  A spotlight reveals him to be Oliver Wood.  The others continue to sing the chorus quietly)

**Wood: **(in his cute accent) Ya know how people have these little habits that get ya down?  Like Marcus Flint.  (rolls eyes)  Slytherin Quidditch captain.  Flint liked to watch the Gryffindor team practice, and he would jeer at us the whole bloody time.  Flint also liked to chew gum.  No (eyes grow dark) not chew.  POP.  Well, I finish practicing with the team this one day and I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy.  And there's Flint, lounging in the bleachers, drinkin' a butterbeer and chewin'.  No, not chewin'.  POPPIN'!  So I said to him, "Hey Flint, you pop that bloody gum one more time..." (long pause, then a heavy sigh) And the little bugger did.  So I opened the chest that holds the Quidditch balls and I let out two warning bludgers…. (with a happy shrug) into his head.

**All: **(stomping with chairs as Wood returns to original position) HE HAD IT COMING!  HE HAD IT COMING!  HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME!

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE HEARD IT, I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!

(the other five continue under as kid 2, Pansy Parkinson, for the sake of variety, pulls her chair through the bars and plops down on it)

**Pansy: **I met Professor Trelawney from the divination tower about two years ago.  She told me that I was her favorite student, and we hit it off right away.  So we started having afternoon tea together.  We'd have our lesson, I'd stay for lunch, I'd brew up some tea, we'd eat biscuits.  Well, it was like heaven in an overly incensed room.  (face grows dark and ugly)  And then I found out.  "Favorite student" she told me?  Favorite, my ass!  Not only did she have another teacher's pet…oh no…she had six.  All of them Gryffindors (makes a yuck face) twittering, gossiping, swooning little Gryffindors!  I suppose she liked the attention.  She never did get that much.  Anyway, that next afternoon, I made her tea, as usual…(pregnant pause, and then, with an evil smile) You know, some people just can't handle the Draught of the Living Dead.

**All:  **(as Pansy returns to her spot) SHE HAD IT COMING (POP SIX SQUISH)  

SHE HAD IT COMING (UH-UH CICERO LIPSCHITZ)  

SHE TOOK A FINE MIND IN ITS PRIME

AND THEN SHE USED IT (POP)

AND SHE ABUSED IT (SIX) 

IT WAS A MURDER BUT NOT A CRIME! (SQUISH UH-UH CICERO LIPSCHITZ)

(the third, rather short person, drags his chair forward with great effort as the others continue to recite "pop six squish etc" under.  He climbs up onto the chair and is spotlighted to reveal Dobby the house elf, standing matter of factly with his bandaged hands on his hips)

**Dobby: **Now, Dobby is standing in his family's kitchen, carving up the chicken for dinner, minding his own business, when in storms his Master in a jealous rage.  (imitates Lucius)  "You've been screwing my wife," he says.  Master was crazy, and he kept screaming, "You've been screwing my wife!"  (holds hands behind his back and looks innocent)  And then he ran into Dobby's knife.  (his features suddenly become manic)  He ran into Dobby's knife TEN TIMES!!!

**All: **(as Dobby happily drags his chair back) IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT, I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!

(the music suddenly changes to a beautiful but sad ethnic tune, as the fourth kid, Neville Longbottom, pulls his chair forward, sits on it, and starts to bawl)

**Neville:  **AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! 

TREEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!!!!

*sniff* T-trevor g-g-got…s-s-s-s-tepped……. WAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAHAAAHAAAAAA*hic*

(all the others look at Neville as though he just sprouted another head)

**Dobby: **But did you do it sir?

**Neville: **(sniffing, rubbing his nose) Uh-uh. (very slow and muffled)  Not guilty!

(Neville slowly pulls his chair back, sobbing, and Draco passes him, giving him a nasty smile.  He stands confidently outside the bars with his arms crossed as the others continue under behind him, swaying in their chairs)

**Draco: **(snooty)** My father used to take me on expensive trips around the world (before Dobby got to him, that is), and my friends Crabbe and Goyle always followed me around for the ride.  For fun we'd Imperio some Muggles into doing crazy acrobatic tricks for us; splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other.  Loads of fun!  (clears throat) Well, this one night, father took us to Cicero, and the three us of were sitting up in a hotel room, hexing… and having a few laughs.  And we ran out of cauldron cakes, so I went out to get some.  I come back, open the door, and there's Crabbe and Goyle, doing Imperio trick number 17- (angry and grossed out) the spread eagle!  **

(others stop singing and do double takes) 

**Draco:** I mean….I knew they were stupid….very stupid….especially after gorging themselves….and I'd heard of slash before… but…….GAH! (sticks out tongue and shudders) Well, I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out.  I can't remember a thing.  It wasn't until later (holds out hands) when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead!

(sings) THEY            HAD IT COMING (stomp) THEY HAD IT COMING (stomp)

THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG (stomp stomp)

I DIDN'T DO IT (points to himself) BUT IF I'D DONE IT, HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THAT I WAS WRONG?

**Draco and others: **THEY HAD IT COMING (THEY HAD IT COMING)

THEY HAD IT COMING (THEY HAD IT COMING)

THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG (THEY TOOK FINE MIND IN ITS PRIME)

I DIDN'T DO IT (AND THEN THEY USED IT)

BUT IF I'D DONE IT (AND THEY ABUSED IT)

HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THAT I WAS WRONG? (IT WAS A MURDER, BUT NOT A CRIME!)

(Draco drags his chair back as the sixth kid, Luna Lovegood, carries her chair out front)

**Luna: **(in a dazed and dreamy voice) I loved Adelbert Lipschitz, more than I can possibly say.  (rocks back in her chair)  He was a real artistic guy…sensitive…a painter. (sad smile)  But he was troubled.  He was always trying to find himself.  He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found, (ticks off names on her fingers dreamily) Ruth…Gladys…Rosemary…and Irving.  (gives a happy shrug)  I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences.  He saw himself as alive, (shrugs again) and I saw him dead.

**All: **(Wood, Pansy, and Dobby exit bars and join Luna) THE DIRTY BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM!

(Neville and Draco exit bars and join others)  THE DIRTY BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM!

THEY HAD IT COMING! (stomp) THEY HAD IT COMING! (stomp)

THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG! (stomp stomp)

'CAUSE IF THEY USED US, AND THEY ABUSED US, HOW COULD YOU TELL US THAT WE WERE WRONG?

THEY HAD IT COMING! (spotlights show on Wood and Pansy, who hold up a bludger and a poison vial respectively) 

THEY HAD IT COMING! (spotlights show on Dobby holding a knife, and Neville, who shrugs)

THEY ONLY HAD THEMSELVES TO BLAME! (spotlights show on Draco holding a glowing wand, and Luna holding a noose)

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT

I BET THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!

(they back away into the opening in the bars, hiding their respective weapons behind their backs)

**Wood: **You pop that bloody gum one more time!

**Pansy: **Favorite, my ass!  

**Dobby: **Ten times!

**Neville: ***sob* My toad…

**Draco: **Number seventeen- the spread eagle.

**Luna: **Artistic differences.

**Wood: **POP

**Pansy: **SIX

**Dobby: **SQUISH

**Neville: **UH-UH

**Draco: **CICERO

**Luna: **LIPSCHITZ

**All: **(grabbing onto bars) I BET THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!

(bars clank shut, lights die)

End of Part III

Next Part:

When You're Good to Mama (slightly redone)

I think you should prepare to be veeeeeery disgusted.


	5. WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA

**4: WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA**

Notes:  As I said in the last chapter, and in the opening remarks, this song will be receiving the most blatant changes.  At first I was planning on having Rita Skeeter sing this as "When You're Bad to Rita", however, I later decided to put her in a more fitting role.  (and janmcneville probably has a damn good idea what that role is)  I also considered casting Umbridge as Mama, because she seems to fit the physical description and seems the type of person who would take bribes if it were worth her while.  But I want to keep the Order of the Phoenix references to a minimum, so those who haven't read it yet won't get confused.  Besides, I needed to cast my favorite character as someone, and this role would do.  So I warn you, the person who is cast as Mama will probably be MAJORLY OUT OF CHARACTER.  Still, I shall try to keep the OCCness to a bare minimum.

For those who review, I love you.  And now that I have seen Chicago live, be assured that _every song in the play_ will be a part of this fic.  Which includes MY OWN BEST FRIEND and CLASS.  Fret not.

And on that note…

(the lights come back on in a very familiar dungeon where the delinquents, minus Draco, plus Harry, lounge around in various places, apparently quite bored.  Bagman swaggers out unnoticed by the kids)

**Bagman: **And now, witches and wizards- the Keeper of the Keys, the Count of the Clink, the Master of the Detention Dungeon- Professor Severus Snape!

(The kids snap to attention as Snape swoops onstage looking very agitated, donning his "boggart outfit", the lacey green dress, fox fur scarf, vulture-topped hat, and red handbag.  Bagman gallantly offers to take his scarf, but an angry Snape snarls at him and pushes him offstage into the audience.  The kids glance at each other nervously as Snape assumes position center stage, legs apart, hands on hips, sneer on face.)

**Snape: **ASK ANY OF THE MORONS IN MY CLASS

THEY'LL TELL YOU I'M THE BIGGEST BLOODY…(kids lean in, in anticipation)…GIT.  (kids show various signs of disappointment)

I HATE THEM ALL AND ALL OF THEM HATE ME! (considers a moment) 'Cept the Slytherins.

**Pansy: **Woohoo!

**Snape: **(glares at Pansy, who shrinks back) BECAUSE THE SYSTEM WORKS

THE SYSTEM CALLED "RECIPROCITY"…

(As cheesy music starts up Snape sweeps up to Dobby and Pansy, who are sitting on rickety stools.  Both start looking very nervous as he poses next to them.)

**Snape: **(as a muscle twitches on his temple) GOT A LITTLE MOTTO

ALWAYS SEES ME THROUGH (he sneers down his hooked nose at a terrified Dobby)

WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU

(using his swinging red handbag Snape knocks Dobby off his stool, and then sits on the vacated spot next to a gratified looking Pansy.)

THERE'S A LOT OF FAVORS KIDS ASK ME DO (Snape awkwardly pats Pansy's shoulder while she simpers at him)

YOU DO ONE FOR SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU

(Snape suddenly shoves Pansy off her stool, and gives a brief smirk as though the act made him feel better.  He stands back up and heads to center stage, swinging his bag)

THEY SAY THAT LIFE IS TIT FOR TAT, AND THAT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME

BUT EVEN IF YOU SUCK UP NICE, I'LL STILL GIVE YOU A "D"!

(Luna passes dreamily by, and Snape grabs her by her long blond hair)

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THIS HAND WASHES THAT ONE TOO? (Snape pretends to wash his hands in Luna's hair, who yawns)

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER; SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU!

(Snape shoves Luna down on the floor just as Draco walks in holding an issue of the Daily Prophet.  Luna yawns again, apparently not caring that she's on the floor.  Snape pulls out his wand and zaps himself with it, changing his clothes back into his normal blacks robes just as Draco approaches him.  He still retains his vulture-topped hat, however.)

**Draco: **Look at this, Professor. (holds up paper)  The Prophet calls me the crime of the year.  (reads from it in a mock voice) "Not in memory do we recall so fiendish and horrible a double homicide."

**Snape: **(smoothly) Well, Draco, you certainly couldn't buy that kind of publicity.  You took care of me, and for once I actually didn't screw you over.  I spoke with your… lawyer. (eye roll) he set your trial date for March the 5th.  March 7th you'll be acquitted.  And March 8th- do you know what I'm going to do for you?  I'm going to reinstate you as a prefect.  

**Draco: **Being a prefect is nothing new, Professor.  What kind of _grades_ are we talking about here?

**Snape: **(with a raised eyebrow)  'Tis a crazy world, Draco.  Half of Hufflepuff House is working as my own personal housekeepers just so I'll give them a grade slightly better than "poor".  

**Draco: **(interrupting) I said what kind of grades are _we_ talking about here, Professor?  (he leans in a bit too close to Snape, who gives him a dirty look.  Draco backs away with his hands up in apology)

**Snape: **Well…(runs a long finger across his mouth) due to your recent sensational activities I think a grade between "Exceeds Expectations" and "Outstanding" should be sufficient.

(In the background, Harry loudly falls off of the stool he was occupying.)

**Draco:** (flabbergasted) An O!  The most Crabbe, Goyle, and I ever got was an A.

**Snape:** That was before Cicero, before your lawyer, and before me.

**Draco: **(suggestively) You know Professor, I always wanted to go to Durmstrang. (eagerly, with stars in his eyes) Could you get me that?

**Snape: **Durmstrang? (smirking) Now that is another story.  That might take another owl.

**Draco: **(nods knowingly) Uh, huh.  And how much would that owl cost?

**Snape: **Come, now Draco!  You know how I feel about you.  (puts an arm around the boy's shoulders) You're my favorite.

**Pansy: **(angrily in the background) Favorite, my ass!

**Snape: **(pointedly ignoring her) You are by far the student with the most class in this entire school.

**Harry: **(shouting) You haven't bumped my grades up, and _I_ killed _Voldemort_!

**Snape: **TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! (turns back to a very scared looking Draco, and speaks in a much friendlier voice) You're like family to me- like my own.  I'll do it 50 galleons.

**Draco:** (incredulous) Fifty galleons for a bloody owl? (resigned, hands Snape the money) You must use a lot of stamps, Professor. (struts off) Nice hat, by the way.

(Snape, looking mortified, turns around to see all of the delinquents present gawking at him and snickering.)

**Snape: **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! 

(The students jump in their seats, or positions on the floor, and hurriedly go back to what they were doing.  Snape zaps himself with his wand again, returning into his boggart outfit just as the song cues back up.)

**Snape: **IF YOU WANT GOOD GRADINGS, SPIFFY UP MY LOO

MAKE IT CLEAN FOR SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU

(He takes his hat off and holds it out to each delinquent in turn as he passes him or her. They grudgingly put money in.)

WHEN THEY PASS THAT BASKET FOLKS CONTRIBUTE TO

(He stops by Harry, who refuses to put anything in.)

YOU PUT IN FOR SNAPEY

HE'LL PUT OUT ZILCH FOR YOU (Snape whacks Harry off of his stool with his handbag and replaces his hat.)

THE FOLKS ATOP THE LADDER ARE THE ONES THE WORLD ADORES

(he walks over to Wood and Neville, who are both on a small ladder trying to reach Potions ingredients on a shelf.  He leans menacingly on it.)

SO BOOST ME UP MY LADDER, KID

AND I WILL TOPPLE YOURS (topples the ladder, sending many bottles crashing down on Wood and Neville)

LET'S ALL STIR TOGETHER

(Snape moves over to a large bubbling cauldron and starts stirring it, at the same time beckoning the delinquents over.)

BUBBLE, BOIL, AND BREW (the delinquents all pick up ladles and start stirring along with Snape.)

WHEN YOUR STIRRING SNAPEY, SNAPE IS FAILING YOU! (Snape bolts just before the potion blows up in all of the kids' faces.)

SO WHAT'S THE ONE CONCLUSION I CAN BRING THIS NUMBER TO?

(assumes the position center stage as the students, now covered in green and purple boils, glare at him.)

UNLESS YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE

SNAPEY WILL SCREW YOU!

(the delinquents advance angrily on Snape from behind, and just as the lights go out they jump him.  Some red flashes of light are seen, someone shouts "Bad Dobby!" and someone else shouts "Twenty points from Gryffindor!" as the scene ends.)

End of Part IV

Okay, maybe he wasn't all that out of character.  God I love him!

Next Part:

A short, crappy scene and a tap dance.

The Part After That:

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE

Hopefully, who I cast as Billy Flynn's character will be a surprise. (but to tell the truth, you should see it coming.)


End file.
